How to write your own vows
How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows, Your Simple Guide
So, you've decided to write your own wedding vows.
How lovely.
And then you sit down with a blank piece of paper and think...
What on earth am I supposed to say?
If that's you, please don't panic. You're definitely not alone. Writing your own vows is something so many couples love the idea of, but when it actually comes to putting all those feelings into words, it can suddenly feel rather daunting.
The first thing I tell my couples is this:
You don't need to be a writer to write beautiful wedding vows.
You don't need to be poetic. You don't need to be incredibly romantic. You don't need to make everyone laugh or cry.
And you absolutely don't need to sound like anyone other than yourself.
The best wedding vows are simply honest, personal and full of the things that matter to the two of you.
So, where do you begin?
Before You Write Anything
My first piece of advice is to resist the temptation to immediately start searching for other people's wedding vows.
It's very easy to read something beautiful online and suddenly think yours need to sound like that.
They don't.
Before you look at any examples, find yourself somewhere quiet and think about the person you're marrying.
Make a cup of tea. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Sit outside. Switch your phone off for ten minutes.
And just write.
Don't worry about whether it sounds good.
Don't edit.
Don't even think about vows yet.
Simply write down what you would want to say to your partner if they were sitting opposite you.
That is usually where the best words are hiding.
What Should Wedding Vows Include?
There are no rules, but I think beautiful personal vows usually contain three things:
Gratitude. Admiration. Promises.
Gratitude
What has this person brought into your life?
Perhaps they've made you feel safe. Perhaps they've encouraged you to take chances. Perhaps they've given you a family, made you laugh when you've wanted to cry, or simply made everyday life better.
Tell them.
Admiration
What do you love about them?
And try to go a little deeper than simply saying you're kind or you make me laugh.
What does their kindness look like?
Is it the way they always make sure everyone else is OK? The way they call their mum every Sunday? The cup of tea that appears beside you without you asking?
Those tiny details are what make your vows yours.
Promises
This is the part that's sometimes forgotten.
Your vows are, after all, vows.
They're promises.
Some can be big:
I promise to stand beside you through whatever life brings us.
And some can be wonderfully ordinary:
I promise to keep dancing with you in the kitchen.
The combination of the two is often what makes personal vows so special.
A Simple Structure for Writing Your Wedding Vows
If you're staring at that blank page and still don't know where to begin, try this:
1. Start with today.
How does it feel to be standing there marrying this person?
2. Tell them what you love about them.
What makes them the person you want beside you for the rest of your life?
3. Include something personal.
A memory, a characteristic, a little piece of your relationship that could only belong to the two of you.
4. Make your promises.
Think about the marriage you want to create together. What can you genuinely promise this person?
5. Look towards your future.
Finish by telling them what you're looking forward to about the life ahead of you.
That's it.
You don't need seventeen paragraphs or a dramatic finale.
You just need your words.
Questions to Help You Get Started
If the words still aren't coming, don't try to write your vows from beginning to end.
Instead, answer a few of these questions:
When did you realise you were falling in love?
What do you admire most about your partner?
How does this person make your life better?
What makes you laugh together?
What do they do that makes you feel loved?
What have you been through together?
What are you most proud of in your relationship?
What does home with this person feel like?
What are you most looking forward to in your future?
What do you want to promise them?
Don't worry about writing beautiful sentences at this stage.
You're simply collecting the pieces.
You can put them together afterwards.
How Long Should Wedding Vows Be?
As a general guide, I recommend aiming for around 200–300 words, or roughly two minutes when spoken aloud.
That's long enough to say something meaningful without your vows turning into a speech.
If you're both writing your own vows, it's also worth agreeing on an approximate length beforehand.
You don't have to show each other what you've written—in fact, I love it when the vows remain a surprise—but it helps if you're roughly on the same page.
You don't want one person producing a beautiful 90-second set of vows while the other unfolds six pages of A4!
Make Them Sound Like You
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you.
Please don't suddenly become Shakespeare.
If you wouldn't normally say something to your partner, don't put it in your vows just because it sounds romantic.
Use the words you actually use.
Be funny if you're funny.
Be sentimental if you're sentimental.
Be straightforward if that's who you are.
If you're someone who would normally say, "You're my favourite person and I still can't quite believe you put up with me," that may be far more meaningful to your partner than three paragraphs of beautifully written poetry.
Your partner fell in love with you.
That's the person they want to hear from.
A Little Humour Is Absolutely Fine
I love some laughter during a ceremony.
And your vows certainly don't have to be serious from beginning to end.
A funny promise or little reference to something you both recognise can make them incredibly personal.
Just don't turn the whole thing into a comedy routine.
And perhaps avoid anything that's going to embarrass your partner in front of their parents, grandparents and 100 wedding guests!
A good rule is to make sure that underneath the laughter, there is still plenty of heart.
Write It. Then Leave It Alone.
Once you've written your first draft, close the laptop.
Walk away.
Leave it for a day or two.
When you come back to it, you'll immediately notice the parts that feel right and the bits that don't quite sound like you.
Read it aloud.
This is really important.
Something can look beautiful written down and feel completely unnatural when you actually say it.
If you stumble over a sentence every time you read it, change it.
Your vows are meant to be spoken, not read.
Please Don't Try to Memorise Them
You have enough going on on your wedding day without trying to remember 250 words whilst looking at the person you love and attempting not to cry!
Have your vows with you.
Beautiful vow cards or a small vow book are perfect.
Then when you say them, don't bury your head in the page.
Read a little.
Look up.
Look at your partner.
Take your time.
And breathe.
Nobody is rushing you.
And What If You Cry?
You might.
They might.
Your guests probably will.
And that's absolutely fine.
You don't have to deliver your vows perfectly.
You don't need to get through them without your voice wobbling.
If you need to stop, stop.
Take a breath.
Look at the person standing opposite you.
That's the whole point.
The moments that aren't perfectly polished are often the moments everyone remembers.
One Final Thought...
Don't leave your vows until the night before your wedding.
Give yourself some time to enjoy writing them.
Because amongst the dresses, flowers, menus, table plans and endless decisions that come with organising a wedding, this is one part of the planning that asks you to stop thinking about the wedding itself.
Instead, you get to think about your marriage.
About your person.
About everything that's brought you here.
And everything that's still to come.
That's rather special.
Still Struggling to Find the Words?
Sometimes you know exactly how you feel—you just can't quite work out how to say it.
That's where I can help.
Alongside creating and delivering wedding ceremonies, I also offer one-to-one vow-writing sessions, where we'll talk through what you want to say and I'll help you find the words while making sure they still sound completely like you.
And if it's not the writing that's worrying you but the thought of actually standing up and saying those words in front of everyone, I also offer vow delivery and public-speaking coaching.
We can practise together, work on your pace, breathing and confidence, and make sure that when the moment comes, you're able to forget about everyone watching and simply say those words to the person standing in front of you.
Laura x
The Chateau Celebrant
